What follows is an open letter to the President of the United States, extending my holiday greetings and providing a brief explanation of some perhaps ‘idiosyncratic’ gifts sent to Pennsylvania Avenue via U.P.S. this past week.
Okay, okay, I realize this may seem rather belated, but let’s be realistic: there was no way you were going to get around to opening my Xmas gifts to you until now. Indeed, they probably still remain unopened in some storage room, if they haven’t already been nicked by the staff you’ve assigned to opening packages. Or the security detail hasn’t mistakenly drawn a sinister interpretation of their contents and ruined them by soaking them in some watery defusion contrivance.
Which would be a great shame. Not because my personal feelings would be injured by the gifts’ destruction, but because recent events have shown me that you are sorely in need these items. So much so that I regard it as equally necessary to append this open letter describing the thought process behind each of the gifts. Knowing your reputation for savvy use of social media and keeping ‘in touch’ with the constituency that elected you, I felt sure that the best custodian of this letter was the web, the one place where even your most bumbling and overzealous staff could not destroy or misplace it.
So whenever you get around to opening them, this letter is waiting for you. Can’t miss ‘em. They’re the ones wrapped in green bar paper with this URL slathered all over them. Just promise me you won’t cheat and read ahead, ‘kay? Here goes:
Item #1: Neuticles.
Given the precipitous manner in which you collapsed before Republican calls for taxpayer giveaways to millionaire and billionaire trust fund brats, it’s clear that you’re in need of a new pair of balls. Looking back, you’ve probably been in need of them for a long, long time. My first inkling that you had a testosterone deficiency was pre-midterm, during your lackluster appearance on Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show”. Far from using the opportunity to launch an offensive against a reactionary, plutocratic Republican opposition, you somehow managed to turn what is generally assumed to be a progressive-friendly audience against you.
Thought it might come in handy as a prop for the series of speaking tours I expect you to make in support of the backroom deal you made with the Right in order to get the billionaire tax cuts passed. After all, you spent months telling us that you “just didn’t have the math” to make those cuts fiscally responsible. And you invoked some pretty big guns, various CBO and Treasury reports describing how those cuts are expected to add $238 BILLION to the deficit in the next two years alone. Those #'s work out pretty damned close to the $116 BILLION per annum I myself calculated here. And no doubt, to those who supported you then, or at least those who have more than a 15 second attention span, you’ve now got some ‘splainin’ to do. This calculator should give you the rhetorical credibility you will need to overcome their objections. Warning: For God’s sake, whatever you do, don’t try to turn the thing on—there is absolutely no need to perform any actual calculations. The point is to LOOK credible—not actually BE credible, right?
Item #3: Official Registration Card for the Republican Party.
Might as well own up to it, eh? This is the season for personal reflection and planning for the New Year. A new year, I hardly need add, that will be spent kowtowing to the revitalized Republican majority that you gutlessly allowed to “shallack” the party that you nominally led until the midterm elections. Surely you no longer feel any need to pretend any longer, yes? After all, it’s pretty fucking hard for anyone with an IQ greater than their shoe size to believe anything you said way back when, when you ran as a supposed Democrat.
Guantanamo is still up and ticking more than a year after your promised close date. Ditto with the expansion of domestic ‘surveillance’ programs. And you managed to extend billions of further dollars in aid to the sham kleptocratic terrorist state of Pakistan in support of the Republican program of never-ending war. And lest we fail to give you credit for your programme of omissions as well as commissions, I call to your attention the lack of any significant prosecutions of banksters for their fraud and malfeasance which continues to hamstring the recovery of the real economy.
I could go on and on, but why bother? You pride yourself as a pretty clever individual, surely you get the point—one of your newest ‘best buds’ is Slick Willie Clinton, Rhoades scholar and the man who signed both NAFTA and the repeal of Glass Steagall. In fact, you and Willie are beginning to look more and more alike theseadays—not only did you have the gall to set your Attorney General against repealing ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ after courting the gay vote in 2008, but you now are trying to take credit for its passage in spite of your opposition. Classic Clinton play.
You’re no Democrat, you phony turncoat.