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Thursday, August 4, 2011

Please Join the Fight Against FMS

Jonathan Steitz:  Extra chromosome or victim of donkey kick?
It's clear just from looking at him that Johnny Steitz is "special".  The Republican recall candidate for Wisconsin's 22nd district sports a sloping forehead, thick eyebrow ridge, wide-set eyes and a vacant grin . . . But is the culprit an extra chromosome or a kick in the head while working a TJ donkey show?  Neither, I suspect.  I believe he may be suffering from Furious Masturbation Syndrome ("FMS"), which is why I have nominated him as poster child for the fight against this dreaded disease.

FMS is a condition first diagnosed by the McGonagle foundation yesterday.  FMS appears to afflict many public personalities.  As many as 100% of all Republican politicians may suffer from it.  It is characterized by a frantic activity which almost seems purposely designed to defeat its stated goals, hence the analogy to another famously desultory form of behavior.  While the American Psychiatric Association's review is pending for inclusion in the next DSM, I have proposed the following check list items for diagnosis:

  • Touting such douchey affiliation to the single most severely flawed institution in recent world history, the multinational corporate sector, as credentials for "economic expertise".  The only deal to Steitz is publically associated with is the issuance of 2.7 billion Euro of junk bonds.[1]

  • An awkward aura of phoniness, a want of spontaneity, a general lack of soul.  While I don't yet have definitive proof that Steitz doesn't cast a reflection in the mirror, it certainly seems possible.  At one time he managed bland Xian rockers "Skillet".[2]

  • Sad over-reliance on the corn-pone hokiness of staged family pic's in preference to actual substantive discussion of issues.  My God, I hope they airbrushed those smiles on!  I'd hate to think their pumping that baby full of lithium!

  • Generally evasive, secretive behavior; hiding one's true personality behind a facade of friendliness.  Despite the all-American image he's trying to project in Wisconsin, the man working in Latham & Watkin's glass tower on Wacker Drive is certainly more complex.[3]

  • Persistant delusional beliefs.  Like the notion that a total stranger like Steitz, born in Utah, raised in Texas, working in downtown Chicago can even possibly win against heroic, long-serving and much-beloved Kenosha/Racine man, "Uncle Bob" Wirch
This disease is insidious and debilitating to society.  It must be stopped at all costs.  There is much to be done and it will require a team effort.  Not everybody can afford long-term political commitments, but everybody can do something, whether it's ridiculing deluded fantasists like Steitz or simply showing up to vote for old fashioned Wisconsin 14 heroes like Bob Wirch on August 16th.  Let's each of us do what we can.

But for God's sake, whatever you do, don't shake Steitz's hand.  Ick.

[1] Yeah.  It's for real, alright.  The most recent S&P rating for the Wind Telecom bonds is Ba3--"Non-investment grade speculative", or "junk".  He's peddled his garbage over in Euroland, now he's trying to unload an even bigger pile in Racine/Kenosha.

[2]  No, I never heard of them before either.  But it's not like they aren't trying.  Their current managers keep setting up front organizations like "Dove" to give themselves awards left and right.  They must really be horrible. . . . Wait a minute--who were we talking about again?  I've forgotten them already.  Maybe that's why they didn't bother to mention Steitz on their wikipage.

[3]  Naguib Sawiris, the owner of the telecommunications client referred to above is currently serving as advocate for deposed Egyptian strongman Hosni Mubarak.  In 2006 Sawiris received the Sitara-e-Quaid-e-Azam award from General Pervez Musharaf, the former dictator of corrupt terrorist state Pakistan.  And in 2008 Sawiris aided North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il in establishing a system to monitor its citizens private communications.  Just doesn't seem to square with the apple-pie, Tea Party libertarian stuff Steitz's being shovelling in Wisconsin lately.